Be a bit f*cked up. People will like you for that
Let me tell you a story about a young man. He had a job he was good at, and he liked it. He earned a lot, thought he wasn’t a millionaire — actually, he never wanted to become one, he knew that having more money won’t make him happier. His car of choice was new Audi SUV, he played squash to stay fit and travelled every other weekend.
By all means he had a successful career.
At the age of thirty he decided to commit suicide.
He had a lot of acquaintances, but none of them were his friends. He had copycats, but no admirers. People respected him, but didn’t care about him. Many liked him, and no one truly loved him.
He was never sure why. He always tried to do his best, he always tried to do things ‘right’. He succeeded.
Finally, someone helped him to understand what was going on. While striving for perfection, that man got rid of everything that made him human. All his qualities were perfectly balanced. He was deprived of all emotions that could harm his productivity. He always said things that others wanted to hear. He only did what was socially acceptable unless he had another rationalized plan in his mind.
He strived to become perfect, but became a heartless machine. A truth is a human being can love and care only about another human being.
At the age of thirty that man understood what he had done. It seemed like it was too late to try to change anything.
The story was fictional and I once thought that it could become a good novel. I am not sure if I am going to write it at all…
It was my dear friend who noticed that I was becoming such a man in real life. Showing no emotions, no hesitation, always have a plan, never complaining, saying and doing only what is right, trying to be effective and straightforward. These qualities are not bad on their own, but once you have them all at the same time — you become a machine.
I was terrified.
I loved and needed my friends more than anything and anyone in the world. But they couldn’t really care for someone like me.
I also loved life too much to say farewell to it. The only thing I could do to save myself is to change.
It turns out that while you want to be better at everything you do, you still don’t want to seem perfect. I don’t say to be perfect — you can’t do it anyway, but you can be pretty good at pretending you are. However, you need to do exactly the opposite.
Make smart mistakes
Let me introduce you the Platfall Effect. This is a tendency for attractiveness to increase or decrease after a person makes a mistake, depending on that person’s abilities in general.
In other words: if you are smart and don’t make mistakes, people will respect you and some of them may even like you. But if you are smart and sometimes make mistakes — people will love and adore you.
The trick is that the person who does everything in the right way looks too artificial. Other people consider such person to be too egitistic, concentrated on the processess and his or her own actions rather than on other people.
No one likes people who think only about themselves.
On the other hand, if a person is smart and good-looking, but makes a silly mistake, people feel much more sympathy for him or her. May sound counterintuitive, but the fact is making a mistake makes you more attractive.
“Sometimes, when I drink my coffee, I intentionally knock my cup over. Thus I become more likeable.”
As a result, there are several truths you should keep in mind:
- Perfection creates distance and an unattractive air of invincibility. People will not like you for that.
- Making occasional mistakes draws people closer to you, they see that you are a human and thus they can have feelings for you.
- It works only if you are smart or appear to be smart. If you are mediocre at best — nothing will save you. Be smart or at least fake it (till you make it, yes).
Don’t be afraid to make mistakes. You are in good company: sometimes great people were making mistakes on purpose. Frank Sinatra would carefully mess up his shirt collar before stepping on stage before the audience. Sam Walton (the founder of Walmart) would purposefully drop his notes on his way to the lectern.
Next time you give a presentation speech you can drop a pen on the floor, or mess up with slides — people will like you for that. Of course, if your speech will be brilliant on its own. Don’t be afraid of spilling coffee, forgetting to button up your shirt or just looking a bit messy. And be good at every other thing you do!
Show Courage
It only seems so that courage is always about being fearless, strong and dedicated to win by all means necessary. This is only a part of it.
Do you know what the word “courage” originally means?
You need courage to accept you as you are, with your flaws and limitations.
I am not saying you should not strive to become better: you should. At the same time don’t be afraid to admit you are imperfect.
Everyone is imperfect. But those who never show it look weak, not brave. They look ashamed of what they are, they look stubborn and even arrogant.
Admit that you have your weak spots, do not be afraid of showing it. People will see it as an act of courage, they will see you are a strong person, they will see you are sincere — and they will see you are trustworthy and they will like you for that.
People want to feel ‘ok’ around you
Third thing to remember: nobody wants to feel bad about themselves.
People want to feel confident and stress-relieved, to feel they are ‘all right’. But if you behave yourself like you have it all figured out, they will never be comfortable around you.
Do you remember police detective Columbo from the TV-series? He looks a bit messy, drives an old Peugeot, tells sentimental stories about his wife and dog, and always forgets to ask the most important question. That’s why he usually comes back, knocks at the same door and says: “Just one more thing…”
Columbo always looks a bit less perfect comparing to his adversary. People are comfortable talking to him because they feel their superiority.
Think about people around you. Let them feel good about themselves, and they’ll be willing to spend more time with you. They will feel secure, and they will enjoy your company.
First time I was told I had a problem with being ‘human-like’, I was confused and embarrassed. Now I clearly see what is wrong with this ‘try to be perfect’ approach: it is ok to become better. It is not ok to show off only your strengths and pretend you are flawless.
I have my strengths and weaknesses. Both sides of my personality make me the person I am. Both sides make me a person who can be loved.
Only this way I have chances to stay alive.
Dedicated to the one who is always sincere to me.
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