Give it a few years, and she will marry dogs and adopt children from pet stores!

Assuming the reader to be a female of the species — because she said, “all men are pigs” and pigs cannot read.

Imagine the perfect partner for you, the one whom you have been searching for since your first crush at the age of 13. What will the qualities be that you desire in your soulmate?

• Someone who’s cute and will never go bald; someone who’s handsome and has physique of a wild, hunter canine.
• Someone who doesn’t argue with you, and is a good listener — sits down when you command him to sit.
• Also, someone who sleeps with you, cares for you and lets you sleep with other people too!

Yes, he — a dog, I mean, not a human — will never dump you for having a love affair, will never hurt you until he dies, and will even do your daily chores like bringing you morning newspaper from the lawn.

He’ll be loyal and will follow you to shopping stores without any nagging, and though he may not be allowed there, it might be a good thing, as he won’t be roaming around pulling your leg and poking you to return home.

He’ll also kiss you and lick you, lick you all over the places in need; and he won’t even need an engagement ring, as it won’t fit his large paws. A simple cheap collar will work just fine.

Heaven forbid, he might even finance you for buying fancy dresses from Kleinfeld Bridal, New York by working as a fashion model. He may even win prizes and if he’s good enough, it might result in them promoting him from fashion shows — the dog shows — to become a full-time actor in Hollywood.

Men — also known as pigs by women — on the other hand, are lazy pieces of pork.

Yes, he — a pig, I mean, not a human — will snort with his snout when you ask him to go shopping. He’ll also shake his jowl like jelly with distress, because you may be a vegan on a diet, but he’ll be an omnivore chewing on grass and fruits. You may suggest him to go to gym, but you’ll observe an interesting workout instead — called him chasing his tail.

This phenomenon is often seen with pigs when boredom strikes due to insufficient chew-able substances. When his food dwindles till only proteins in human-anatomical-parts nearby remains, he’ll dangerously but curiously attempt to chew the ears of the humans nearby, with nagging to bring him more food. You’ll kill him for chewing your sanity. May he rest in peace and pork pieces!

However spicy in taste and seasoned with talent that pepperoni of his may have been, you will eventually return to the dogs.

The most important feature of a dog: he will make all your admirers burn with envy.

The same emotion struck me around four years ago when I was invited to a dog party at the home of the girl I not-so-secretly loved. Yes, obviously, it was a one-sided love, and obviously, it was not an orgy, as we were very young and teetotalers. Even-though I have remained the same, many of my friends in years have found the necessity of alcoholic beverages — as we’re pursuing engineering, the profession that brings a man down on his knees with unemployment, and certainly doesn’t bring his woman down on hers.

By the phrase ‘dog party’, I meant — it was the birthday of her dog; and there were cakes and balloons, foods and other dog-birthday-party-lovers, and her mother. It was Christmas too, suggesting that she’d received her dog as a Christmas present from Santa. That spoiling, wicked, imaginary man couldn’t spoil her with anything else, but had to gift a dog that became my competitor — in giving love to her. It was very difficult for me to accept it, but clearly, he’d won, as she was celebrating his birthday party, and he was living with her.

Her grandfather, an army-man I guessed by the way he carried himself, glared at her lover and challenged him for a walk. He almost strangled him by grabbing his neck collar, as he commanded him to lead the way. The dog — not me — yelped a cry for help. He failed to stand as a man. Must have suffered from cold-feet due to two reasons, first being walking barefoot on the cold floors, and the second being the thought of taking a stroll with his lover’s relative.

Howsoever mortifying that task would’ve been, but strong-willed that his lover would intercept, he scrutinized at her with his shiny hazel eyes for support, which, having reminded her of all the late-night tender moments, when her dog’s exotic eyes shined in the dark with fondness as she turned off the lights, compelled her to stop her grandfather from maneuvering him out of her sight. That’s what she must have thought as she was weak in science and logic, but assuming that the reader is not, the reason her pet’s eyes shined was because of zinc in tapetum lucidum.

Her grandfather, having faced such a shock of disappointment at his declining age, but surprisingly safe from a heart-failure, frowned and left us with ourselves. The dog wagged his tail and went near her. She stooped, and holding her shiny raven-tresses from tumbling over her olive handsome profile, kissed him on his forehead; and I fell in love.

In every man’s life there is generally one moment, to which, in later years he can look back and claim, “In this moment I fell in love!” Such a moment had come to me then. As her lips caressed the brown flea-infected hair, the sweet image of her kissing with pure love melted me away. Thinking, never had I in my life seen such a stunningly pretty woman, it also made me hot in jealousy. I melted like a hot wax as I imagined myself in place of the dog.

But she loved a dog and not Tom Cruise and I grew jealous of a dog and not Tom Cruise.

The bond they shared was obvious to us as she even ate the cake on which the dog sneezed. She was a simple and naive woman. She, if the dumbest, was certainly the most beautiful girl registered in the pages of our school magazine. With the brains of a peahen, and one whose mental growth had been retarded by being dropped on its head when just out of egg, she combined a radiant loveliness, which made me go stutter in front of her every-time I tried to crack jokes. Jokes—that were so bad—that if the dog understood, would’ve bitten my ankle off.

Admittedly, there might have been a genuine reason for her to reject me — like me, comparing her suitor with a dog and herself with a peahen; and even though I might never get over her, her dog made me realize what a man can’t provide but a dog can. Browsing through all the videos and sensational stories of cats and dogs in Facebook, confirmed my skeptical notions.

People love dogs. I love dogs. Girls love dogs. Boys love dogs. The reader will also love dogs.

Loving a hairy canine is adorable, but when people love it more than the animals of their own breed, makes one wonder the upper-hand of being pretty. It’s like depending your everyday’s entertainment quota on Snapchat rather than Google. Google has brains as artificial intelligence and you will not be able to live your life without it; but Snapchat has cute but stupid filters. You may survive without turning-yourself-into-a-dog filter.

Howsoever, cuteness is loved and worshiped. Stupid but cute partners will be the best kind of partners, because they will be loyal, and will not use their brain in a relationship, but heart. That’s why people have a soft-corner for pets.

Therefore, however weird it may be, before calling her a ‘bitch’ for turning him down, he should try turning himself into a ‘dog’. Not to lose the intelligence — nature will do that by making him age — but he should try to lose being a starry-eyed ass, and assess the lucky one before falling for her.

It is fortunate enough, that the ritual of eating a male mantis’s head by a female mantis, isn’t carried over to homo-sapiens in the animal kingdom. However, the animal instinct of a woman to play the hardball, and the man to call the shots like a blue whale’s song, has been recorded in years of literature, and has seeped through the dogma as a part of social conditioning: Disney’s idea of romance, being swept off one’s feet.

Being in India where there is no resemblance with the Disney’s characters and stories, and having demands in standards not attainable by any Indian in looks and personality, people here are even ready to gouge out their eyes and trade them with the green ones. Hence, people put up a facade, which only a dog or a cat can break through. Being in search of perfectness, and not in search of someone who’s mere interest aligns with the pursuer, one seldom finds one.

Reeling into a relationship might be fun and hurtful, but its definitely worth it. India is a diverse place and even has an ocean named after it, too large a ocean for you, to catch your fish. The first part of the headline may be wrong, as there are rules of the nature; but the second part, that is, ‘people adopt children from pet stores’ — adoption centers—is and will always be correct.

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