I’m 29. Single. Woman. Indian.

(Read:“You’re not married yet? Hawwwwwwww”)

Not that any of it matters, unless, of course, you’re 29 and single in India. If you are, you know what I'm talking about. Ever since I've turned 20, all of my billion brothers and sisters have a new goal in their life: to get me married. I've been privileged enough to have parents who have given me the freedom to make my own choices, but that doesn't stop others from worrying over my single status.

I've been born, raised and spoiled in India, so I know I cannot escape the three ultimate litmus tests for being a true Indian: Bollywood, cricket and marriages. All conversations I ever hear, somehow end up revolving around these three topics. Now, people know that I'm not a Bollywood actress, nor a cricketer, or a fan of either, so that leaves them with one thing to discuss: my probable marriage. The first ever discussion on it was when I was 17, and over the years, I've learnt to just smile and wave like the Penguins of Madagascar. I'm always tempted to respond, but experience says, it is rather wise to keep all my responses inside my head.

So here’s a collection of my non-verbal, behind-the-blank-smile, eye-roll responses to people accusing me of committing the crime of being single:

• “You won’t find a guy like him, he is a prized catch” on me rejecting a probable arranged match.

I know, but I'm not fishing.

• “If you don’t get married now, you’ll lose all the cream.”

Who wants the cream, aunty? Cream is fat. The real flavour is in the left-over coffee.

• “How would it look if you get married at 40?”

Don’t worry, I won’t show it to anyone. I’ll elope.

• “We've got a nice match for you.”

But I'm not lighting fires. Haven’t you heard of global warming?

• “You have to get married.”

Why?

“Because you have to get married.”

• “Your friend is getting married. Don’t you want to?”

If your friend jumps off a bridge then would you too?

• “Please get married fast.”

Why, what’s the hurry?

“Maybe you’re not in a hurry, but we are”

Who’s stopping you then? Want to get married again? I thought you were already married!

• “When are you getting married? We want to buy new clothes.”

I know you don’t fit in your old ones any more and need new ones, but why not wait till they’re on sale?

• “What kind of guy do you want? We’ll find him for you.”

A billionaire who owns a private island somewhere in Europe.

• “You know we’re all open to marrying you outside the community. You can tell if you want to marry someone from another culture.”

Sure, I’d like to explore Slovenia. Would you sponsor my tickets?

• “Single girls don’t get a visa to the U.S.”

Oh but I don’t want to go there. I'm eyeing Slovenia, remember?

• “I’ll show you my daughter’s wedding album. Maybe it’ll inspire you.”

If I show you a prison album, would it inspire you?

• “If you don’t get married now, you won’t have enough choice afterwards.”

That is because…. people are limited-edition products I can’t afford to buy?

• “You’re already 25! If you don’t get married now, when will your life start?”

I'm just waiting for a new body to attach myself to. Being a ghost and spending all day haunting people is exhausting! Let me know if you’re giving up yours.

• “You know, girls look their best when they are under 25. So they should get married before that.”

You know uncle, boys behave best when they are toddlers. So they shouldn't grow up.

• “You’re so pretty, why aren’t you married yet?”

I may be pretty to look at, but I'm not pretty to live with. You should know, your wife is so pretty!

• One evening, I was on my daily walk in the park, when I met someone after 10 years..

“Soooooooooooooo, any good news?”

Yes… there’s an amazing sunset in front of me and bad news is blocking my view.

• A few years back, I had planned to go study in Germany and had begun learning German. Some people had real worries about it:

“What if you end up marrying a German guy? What will people say? That you married a German!!!”

So if I actually go to Germany, and fall in love with a German and end up marrying him, imagine what would people say to him? That he married an Indian!!!

• “These days if someone doesn't want to get married, they’re probably gay”

And these days if someone wants to get married, they’re probably forced into getting married.

• “If you don’t get married, you’ll get lonely when you grow old.”

I'm not sure I'm going to grow old in the first place. And as long as people don’t talk about getting married, I'm never lonely.

• “How would you like to dress for your wedding?”

I think a Christmas tree look would be perfect. All lights and glitter and people would come and put presents at my feet.

• “In all seriousness, when are you getting married?”

In all seriousness, when are you getting divorced?

• “Do you have any eligible character in mind?”

Yes, many. Unfortunately they only exist in books. Otherwise I’d marry them. All, one by one.

• “So, what’s the deal with not getting married?”

Wait… what’s the deal with getting married????

I've had only one discussion with my mom. Since she’s used to my answers and doesn't choke often, I tried it out loud:

“So, are you planning to get married?”

Not right now, mom.

“Okay, so would you be finding him yourself or should we set to work?”

No you already have enough work. I’ll do this myself.

(…pause…)

“So, do you know anyone you want to get married to?”

I’ll let you know if I want to get married.

“So, aren't you sure you want to get married.”

Nope.

“Why?”

Well, why did YOU get married?

“Because my parents told me to.”

I’m just damn lucky, mom, my parents are better than yours.

—— — — — — SILENCE — — — — —

I will add further to this if I encounter newer people and their perceptions. Until then, ♥ Thanks for reading!!!

Edit: To some of the readers asking if I’m married now, at 34, the answer is still no. ;)