I Needed to Reclaim My Self Esteem From Social Media
Being on the older side of the Millennial spectrum — I always designated myself as being immune to the culture. I took pride in having my own mind. Then social media blew up. Myspace was my first social networking site, and as a teenager, it just seemed like a cool place to add my favorite songs and update my top 8 friends list. It was something to do, once or twice a day after school and I left it at that.
I took what I deemed to be cute pictures, posted them and was done with it. Over the years, I have witnessed the transition of social networking. It has morphed from a friendly place to engage my friends into the ultimate contest.
Instagram has proven to be an uninviting place, more specifically where self esteem goes to die. Social media has developed a knack for readjusting your self confidence. I noticed this more, after my appearance changed. The metabolism of my teenage years faded with Myspace and I gradually put on a few pounds.
I used to post photos of happy memories with people that I love — mainly for sentiment. Of course, my appearance in these photos mattered but it wasn’t a prerequisite for posting. Now, scrolling through my photo log; I am hyper critical of anything that can be perceived as a flaw.
How does my hair look? Can you see the acne under my makeup? Is this the best angle to hide my double chin? Jesus, why is my stomach so round!
These thoughts never stopped swirling and I became more superficial to feed them. I started taking more of an interest in making myself look better. Social media had successfully infiltrated my mind; my immunity was losing.
While scrolling through my timeline, I was met with more and more beautiful, polished people. The lives I was viewing in real time were picturesque. They were filled with travel and abundance. Families were showcased perfectly and seemed to have come right out of a magazine. I wasn’t realizing that these interactions were having a psychological effect on how I viewed myself and even my life.
That is, until the first time I tried to contour my face and failed. I couldn’t figure out how I made myself look like I just stepped on a landmine. I was disgusted with my inability to achieve perfection. I had watched hundreds of videos of other women doing it, but I still couldn’t pull it off. It seems silly, that I felt defeated. But I felt ugly.
Navigating the amusement park that is social media — isn’t for the faint of heart. Everyday the competition grows stronger and the stakes are a little higher. People are subconsciously competing with one another to be the most appealing. I eventually realized that I couldn’t compete. I couldn’t portray something that I wasn’t.
These timelines possessed the power to dictate who I wanted to be. Becoming jealous or envious of others is too easy in this environment. I fell into the trap of wanting to change my appearance, so that people would see me, how I viewed the people without flaws. The life that I was leading felt inadequate. I don’t even have a passport — let alone any stamps to prove my worldliness. The slope is slippery. If you are not careful, it is easy to fall victim to it.
While I don’t necessarily live to impress others — the need to feel worthy is important. In today’s world, worthiness is tied to likes. I had to reevaluate myself. Am I changing for me or to fit someone else’s standards?
In this social media age, I had to learn to love myself. To find value in my imperfections and to realize that I am blessed with the life that I currently have. We are uniquely different and those differences should be celebrated. Not used as a platform for self ridicule.
Even at the cusp of my third living decade, I have to remind myself that it is all just a facade — no one is perfect. Each day that I wake up, I don’t have to decide who to be. I can just be who I am. I strive to love myself more in my real life and not just to pretend to, online.
