I’m a failure
28. Divorced. Jobless. Homeless. I never thought these words would be used to describe my life.
I’m face to face with my worst fear: failure.
Did I fail at my marriage because I was too focused on my job? Did I fail at my job because I was too focused on my marriage? It’s a constant ping pong match in my mind, except there is no winner.
Looking back on my life I’m used to winning.
I got a scholarship to play college soccer.
I made the honor roll.
I was homecoming princess.
Life was good.
Fast forward and life has thrown me a few curveballs. But, none like this year. This year has been my hardest yet.
I started filing for divorce in March of this year. With no place to live, my parents offered me a place to stay until I could find my own place. The day I went to sign my lease, I got laid off. The next day I turned 28.
It was all happening so fast. I started asking myself:
Am I not talented enough?
Am I not good enough?
And worst of all, did I fail?
Psychologists and neuroscientists estimate we think between 45,000 and 51,000 thoughts per day. I’m pretty sure 90% of mine were negative. I was disappointed in myself.
After picking up two new freelancing gigs, a serving job, and joining a soccer team, I didn’t have time to think about my failures. I had to move forward.
I started to realize I wasn’t giving myself permission to fail.
Failure is courageous. Failure is beautiful. And, failure offers clarity.
This is a second chance at life. I only get one life. And, I get to choose how I want to live it.
Good things started to happen.
I got a job interview at Buffer (4 to be exact). Then, I got a job interview at HubSpot (flew all the way to Cambridge!). Dream job scenarios, right?
Well, I failed at both of those too. I didn’t get the jobs.
But, I survived. Failure is survivable. It made me stronger, more determined, and more understanding of the person I want to be.
Failure is just another obstacle, it does not define me. Nothing in life is certain. I can’t predict the future. But, I know I have what it takes to get me where I want to be, even if I fail along the way.
Photo credit: The amazing Elicia Bryan
