Lesbians can be our saviors!
A rant on the unfair advantage that gay men have over us straight guys and how we can balance that with a little help from lesbians.
From a straight guy’s perspective-
Pop culture, the internet and Hollywood have forever imprinted into our minds that gay men and straight women are natural buddies who gel together like Velcro- tight and strong and hard to pry apart using the wrong techniques. Say the wrong thing and you might as well kiss your relationship goodbye. Girls are quite fond of their gay best friends.
I’m assuming they spend their Sunday afternoons together having brunch at the trendy new street-cafe on High Street, bitching about the appalling fashion choices of passing pedestrians, while giggling about the latest scandalous gossip over cups of Pumpkin Spice Latte. I don’t really know. But Hollywood seems to think so. I trust Hollywood.
The gay best friend trope has become so popular, that it is difficult to imagine a gay man not having a female best bud. My personal experiences have also attested to the truth that this trope holds. Women and gay men just seem to gravitate towards each other and gang up on us poor uncultured straight men, commenting on our lack of essential life skills like the knowledge of wine pairings, smelly blue cheeses, and the art of matching ties with jackets.
“Why can’t you be more like Tristan?”
“Because I’m not gay and I don’t spend my Sunday nights planning out my outfits for the coming week. I just grab whatever’s at the top of the pile of clothes in the laundry hamper I call my wardrobe!”
Hollywood rarely gets it wrong. Women are drawn like helpless moths towards the flame that is gay men. Methinks it has something to do with them all being unfailingly charismatic, charming and always with impeccable fashion sense. Have you ever met a grumpy, shabbily dressed gay man? Of course not!
How do they do it?! Is there a global network of underground “The Art of Being Gay” classes going on that the general public is unaware of? If so, please let me in on it! Tell me your secret passwords and handshakes! I would love to come and learn how to dress like Matt Bomer. Does he also attend? Will he autograph my biceps? They’re a bit small compared to his.
But enough about gay men, let’s talk about something far more relevant for us straight men- Lesbians!
In general, when men think of lesbians, they picture shapely coeds in short skimpy slips, tenderly making-out while engaging in enthusiastic pillow fights. But, I see much more. I see the potential that a friendship with a lesbian woman can have. Sharing a mutual admiration for the female form, we are natural allies and should seek to help each other out!
Like girls have their gays, we men can have our lesbians! A way into the women psyche! Who better to learn the slippery art of seduction, than from a woman experienced in seducing women, herself! That’s just a stroke of brilliance! I high-fived myself multiple times as I typed out that last sentence. Sometimes I astound myself with my incredible cleverness.
There’s only just one problem. By the rare portrayal of lesbians on TV, I have come to learn that they are a scary bunch. They are a bit too masculine for me and it hurts my fragile male ego when they can down towers of beer and still manage to drive back home safely in their bitching-ass motorcycles. The one time I tried to do that, I ended up with ugly cuts all over my right side and an immobile arm in a sling for two whole months.
I am also afraid that they might try and steal our women from us. With their sorcerer level skills in the art of bedding women, lesbians can seduce even normally straight women thereby depleting the already dry well of available women willing to date broke, skinny, wannabe writers like me. They call this “flipping” in lesbian circles. I think they keep score on the number of straight women they’ve flipped and brag about it in lesbian bars.
But aside from all the ego bruising and potential women stealing, imagine having a lesbian wingman backing us up! We would be invincible! No women could resist our charms! We would know the exact things to say and do to melt their hearts and make them weak at the knees! Such power we would have!
My search for a Lesbian wingman is proving to be difficult. Typing “Lesbian women nearby” into Google doesn’t really help. It just brings up a bunch of links to videos starring supposed lesbians of questionable authenticity.
If you are a lesbian, do email me! I would love to pick your brain for a few tips and pointers. Perhaps we could meet up for a beer? You’ll have to drive me back home in your motorcycle though.
If you liked this post, please hit the Recommend Button (❤) so that other people might also discover it. If enough of you recommend it, maybe it’ll reach some lesbian woman who will actually email me and I will finally learn the secrets of seduction. I’ll be sure to write another post sharing that treasured information with all you fine folks! Cheers!
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