THE EPIC THERAPY GUIDE PART 1
Lessons from 8 years and $50k in therapy, part 1. From, Chris
Save time, money, and frustration — whatever life sends your way.
Dear friend,
“Simply put, I have problems.”
This quote from one of my favorite movies (What About Bob — Disney, 1991) sums up why I’m here, why I want to help, and why I can help.
These problems have required eight years and fifty grand worth of therapy and treatment (and counting) to manage. I’ve spent a lot, cried a lot (sometimes about spending a lot — lol), and learned a lot.
Everyone can benefit from therapy.
“Therapy” gets a bad wrap.
In my humble opinion, it should evoke thoughts of excitement, as in “Yay! I’m going to address this @#$! and I don’t have to do it alone!” (Double “yay!”) Instead, it often evokes negative thoughts, along with words like “sad,” “broken,” “sick,” even “crazy.”
I won’t dive into my fury over the negative stigma around mental health here, but it suffices to say, “AAAARRRRRRGH!” (Think Incredible Hulk, not pirate.)
That being said, if nearly a decade and the cost of a new BMW 5-series worth of therapy has taught me anything, it’s that the right therapy can be so good and so powerful.
My diagnosis is “Major Depressive Disorder with Anxiety, Severe.” I’ve got my own ICD-1⁰¹ diagnosis code and everything. I’ve needed dozens of therapies and treatments, numerous practitioners, and hospital-administered infusions of a party drug (more on this in another letter) to reach remission. I’m convinced therapy could help you get better too, whatever “better” looks like for you.
In case you’re interested, here are a few of my results so far:
1. I’m judging myself a lot less and loving myself a bit more (the latter is very much a work-in-progress, but “loving” is a far cry from “hating” — the prior norm).
2. I’m generally able to quiet the once-overactive internal “conscience” that used to berate me for hours over any and every “failure” (real or perceived).
3. My anxiety is way down, especially around finances, without needing anti-anxiety meds. (That’s no knock on anti-anxiety meds— I clarify only to say this reduction in anxiety isn’t because I just “discovered” Xanax.)
4. I’m able to hold the weight of my unmet hopes, dreams, and desires a lot better, without the need for harmful escapes to cope (particularly challenging for my Enneagram-type-4 self²)
5. The frequency of my suicidal ideation is way down
This isn’t a full list. It’s also about my “stuff,” most of which I suspect wouldn’t apply to you. And that’s ok. The truth is…
You don’t need a diagnosable disorder, past trauma, or dire circumstance to benefit from therapy.
There are care and treatment plans for every need: those accomplished in a few sessions with one practitioner, those needing several practitioners, several times a week, every week, for 6+ years (cough).
Even people I’d once thought would never “need” therapy use therapists and counselors: CEOs³, government leaders⁴, pastors⁵, even other therapists.
One of my therapists said he and his wife (who’s also a therapist) have a savings account for their children’s future therapy. I thought he was kidding.
He wasn’t.
He told me he and his wife know that no matter how well they love and raise their children, their children are still likely to have something worth talking to a professional about. (As a dad, my response was something along the lines of, “If your kids are going to need therapy…” while beginning to sweat)
Here are some ways to save time, money, and frustration:
1. Don’t be like Mike.
My friend Mike* (*not his real name) has a similar diagnosis to mine. Mike tried one therapist, one time, had a bad experience, and wrote off therapy entirely.
Ugh.
Mike essentially tried an off-brand, “chocolatey” monstrosity and said, “This is horrible, so all chocolate must be horrible. Yes, chocolate sucks. I’m done with chocolate. FOREVER.”
What?!
Have you tried Reese’s peanut butter cups, Mike?! Snickers? M&Ms? Twix?! Mike assumed that one therapy, one person, one encounter meant all the rest would be the same. Mike missed the peanut butter cups.
A bad therapy experience is like a bad piece of chocolate: you don’t write off chocolate, you try something else.
I’m not trying to minimize the pain or even harm resulting from a bad therapy experience. I’ve received my share of damage from professionals trying to help. These therapists didn’t mean me harm; what they were saying or using as a principle for care just wasn’t helpful to me (at least at the time).
I’m aware many of us have had a bad experience(s) with therapy before: perhaps related to the death of a loved one, a loss, or a trauma we’d like to forget. We “had to go to therapy” and it sucked. The negative memories and associations linger to this day.
If this is you, I get it. I’ve been there, and I’m sorry.
But please, I beg you, reconsider the possibility therapy could be helpful now for whatever you’ve got going on. There are too many options out there for you to be the one exception that couldn’t or wouldn’t benefit.
Don’t miss the peanut butter cups. (Chocolate metaphor, I now pronounce you “dead”).
2. Shop around.
The Miracles’ mamas had it right: you better shop around (a-shop!)⁶. One-size-fits-all may work for ponchos (debatable), but not so much for therapy. Please do not let one (or even a few) bad experiences with therapy deter you.
Be willing to shop around.
Perhaps you’ve tried CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy — very trendy right now) and didn’t like it. I didn’t either for a part of my journey. No worries! Try a DBT practitioner instead. “D” comes after “C,” so DBT must be better. (Kidding.)
Try some other form of behavioral-based therapy. Try someone that doesn’t ascribe to any particular “approach,” someone that asks good questions and validates your responses.
Shop. Around.
Don’t be afraid to try something new.
Three pieces of advice when “shopping around” for therapy:
3. Don’t be too quick to buy something new.
It takes some time to go from, “Here’s my #@$!, how _____ed am I?” to “Wow, this is helping.” It takes trust, and trust takes time to build. Give your therapy some time, but not forever.
In my experience, it takes more than the first session (or three) to feel out whether you can trust the person enough to get real with them and thus create the possibility for healing and growth.
One time is not enough, Mike.
I recommend at least three sessions before you make a potential decision to move on. This target seems to have worked for me through the past 20+ therapists, counselors, psychiatrists, and other mental health professionals I’ve seen through the years.
One caveat: listen carefully to your body. If you’re genuinely creeped out by the person, don’t go back. If you’re simply uncomfortable though, it may be worth pushing a little further.
A little discomfort or even pain is normal, perhaps even necessary and desirable. Pain and discomfort, not to be confused with “harm,” can lead to growth. (See: every professional athlete, ever.)
It can be a challenge to suss out whether the person or approach is the right fit. If you can hang in there, though, the rewards can be huge (see my personal list).
One more time. Rewards=HUGE.
4. Don’t settle for less than the best.
Someone very close to me stayed seeing the same therapist for months, despite knowing early on the therapist wasn’t a good fit. This makes me sad. That the same thing likely happens thousands of times a day with current patients everywhere is an even bigger bummer.
I applaud her for not writing off the therapist entirely too soon. She wanted it to work and tried to push through with someone that wasn’t the right fit.
Laudable — up to a point.
My friend would later tell me that after she knew for certain it wasn’t going to work, she kept going anyway out of fear of ending the relationship. Of having the hard conversation. Of letting go of mutual investment.
Note: This is not a gender thing, nor gender commentary; this person happens to be a woman. We all have our challenges with letting go.
But we should, when the time is right. Ending an unhelpful therapy relationship opens up the door to a new and better one.
5. Don’t fear the “return” process.
Ending a therapy relationship is (or at least should be) different than just about any other “break-up.” It may not be fun, comfortable, or easy. Ending any relationship is hard unless it’s a bad one where you’re happy to tell them to <insert your favorite line here>.
That being said,
A therapist should be the safest person in the WORLD to end a relationship with.
Therapists are not only there for your benefit, but most are required to operate on foundations of respect, promoting self-advocacy, and valuing your “no.”⁷
I’ve seen this safety firsthand.
I once ghosted a therapist after only one session. I’m not proud of it; it wasn’t cool at all. I told him I’d call to set up another appointment, knowing full well I wouldn’t.
Then, three months later, I decided to take my own advice and give it some more time. His response? “Great to hear from you! When do you want to come in?”
What a jerk. ;)
I’ve also had hard, frank conversations about ending year-long+ therapy relationships. They were not “fun,” per se, but they were safe. We talked about what was working and what wasn’t. I was encouraged. My concerns were validated. I was offered other approaches (and other therapists — he offered to send me to his “competition”).
This is how it should be and how I feel comfortable saying it will most likely be for you.
It’s worth it.
Find the right person, invest some time, and something almost magical begins to happen. Something inside us changes when we have a safe space to be open and vulnerable, to be honest, and even to cry.
This magical something happens because I’ve found:
Our most powerful change and growth nearly always happens in the context of relationships.
I’ve had my terrible days, months, years. I’ve had seasons where therapy didn’t seem to be helping, and then, one day, something new “clicked.” I was able to let something go. I stopped believing a lie about myself. And something changed.
This can happen for you, too.
And it will happen — hopefully, a bit faster, a bit easier, and a bit cheaper — if you’re willing to shop around and aren’t afraid to switch it up when the time is right.
In my next letter, I’ll talk about why therapy relationships (or any healthy relationship) can be so powerful in helping us grow and change.
As always, you can write me back at askfromchris@gmail.com. Until next time, I wish you the best.
From,
Chris
¹Information about ICD-10 codes can be found here.
²Enneagram Type 4 personalities struggle with a fear of no significance (see here). For an overview of the Enneagram, click here.
³“In the lead: More CEOs seek therapy,” by BoswellGroup. Available here.
⁴“Presidents and Psychotherapists,” by Peggy Drexler, Ph.D. Available here.
⁵Statement based on several of my own pastors’ sharing of this information.
⁶Reference to the song “Shop Around” by The Miracles — released in1960. More here.
⁶See various mental health professional Codes of Ethics (list available here), which generally include these in some form.
