Ten Surefire Ways to Get Dumped
There are some people you just can’t break up with. You know the ones: they won’t take a hint, they’re going through a major life trauma and you’re the bad guy if you dump them, they’ve got dirt on you and have a petty streak, etc. Sometimes you want them to dump you because all of the bad stuff is on their end, and if you dump them you become the bad guy and no siree, they are the bad guy and you want the world to know it!
My boyfriend and I are the result of a failed “How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days” experiment, for example. I’ve devised some ways for you to get your significant other to dump you. Let me know if they work, okay? I’m asking for a friend.
1) Whenever they say they have a toothache, ask if you can have the tooth
2) Keep referring to their favorite family member as “that old bitch”
3) Begin calling them “Juice!” in your best David Schwimmer voice
4) When you finish having sex, say something like “the ritual is complete”
5) Say things like “the quinoa was particularly exquisite and the vegan biscuit was to die for” (CAUTION: if your partner lives in Silverlake this might make them like you more)
6) Say you want to cook a meal together at their place and show up with a live chicken and a hammer
7) Whenever they mention that one friend of theirs (you know the one I’m talking about), just scream. Scream at the top of your lungs and smash a plate over your own head
8) Ask them to taste your food for you to check if it’s poisoned
9) Send them a fully nude selfie but use a faceswap tool to switch faces with one of their parents
10) Write an article on how to get dumped and see what happens
Ellie Guzman has a website and, contrary to popular belief, does not want to get dumped.