Well-Adjusted Batman

Imagine, just for a moment, that instead of being overcome with grief and resolving to become a vigilante delivering justice to the crime-infested city of Gotham, Bruce Wayne instead received the therapy and support he needed to become… Well-Adjusted Batman.

A day in the life of Well-Adjusted Batman

(Remember, Well-Adjusted Batman has the same gravelly voice as Christian Bale’s Batman, because it makes all of this funnier.)

• Well-Adjusted Batman gets up in the morning after a good night’s sleep, unlike Regular Batman, who stays up late worrying about fixing everything that ails Gotham. This is because Well-Adjusted Batman knows sleep is a vital part of his Bat-Basics.
• Another part of Well-Adjusted Batman’s Bat-Basics is his daily Mindful Walk. Each morning, he takes a thirty minute walk, mindfully inspecting the grounds of Wayne Manor with his good friend Alfred. Together, they notice (without judgment) the things they see and hear. For example, Well-Adjusted Batman sees and notices the well he fell down as a child. He notices that this makes him upset, bringing up unpleasant memories, reminding him of his parents, whom he misses dearly. Well-Adjusted Batman makes a note to fix the well later with Alfred, and successfully regulates his emotions. Well-Adjusted Batman knows that he doesn’t control his first thoughts, but he can control his second thoughts!

This is actually a pretty big deal for Well-Adjusted Batman. After Lucius Fox filled Bruce in on the latest theory and research around cognitive psychology, Bruce accepted that the brain is a thinking machine that is designed to produce thoughts. Those thoughts can come from anywhere! But, Bruce realizes, he didn’t *ask* for those thoughts. Well-Adjusted Batman might be out for a spin in his Batmobile, when all of a sudden he has the thought that, as a child, he could’ve done more to prevent his parents’ death. He can’t control that thought. But he can control his response.

• On days when he doesn’t stop by Wayne Enterprise headquarters, it’s likely that Well-Adjusted Batman will receive a call from Commissioner Gordon of Gotham’s Police Force. Unlike Regular Batman, Well-Adjusted Batman is able to set boundaries and tells Commissioner Gordon that he isn’t responsible for fixing Gotham’s crime problem. Well-Adjusted Batman tells Gordon that he has faith and believes in Gordon and the Police Force’s abilities. Instead, he suggests that Gordon contact The Flash instead. Just because Well-Adjusted Batman takes care of himself this time doesn’t mean he can’t help his friend Gordon next time though!
• When Well-Adjusted Batman helps, instead of using his skills to sneak up on criminals and Bat-punch them unconscious (more on this later), Well-Adjusted Batman sneaks up on people who are in distress and quietly stands next to them and breathes with them: in, two, three, four, hold, two, three, four, out, two, three, four, hold, two, three four.
• Regular Batman, as we know from the excellent documentary Batman Begins (dir. Christopher Nolan, 2005) was taught ninjitsu from the leader of the League of Shadows, Ra’s al Ghul. Well-Adjusted Batman went on a mindfulness retreat and instead of learning to punch and kick people, learned empathy, compassion and most importantly, acceptance.
• Sometimes, when Regular Batman is in distress — or even in crisis — he will lash out. We see this in the way Regular Batman sometimes treats people like The Joker, or Two Face. Well-Adjusted Batman practices his mindfulness skills so that, instead of punching Joker in the face, he either uses an ice cube from his utility belt, or calls Mr. Freeze to ask for an emergency ice-shot on the back of his neck. (Well-Adjusted Batman also knows other techniques for dealing with distress, like intense exercise and grounding skills like looking around and counting things that are bat-shaped).

He’s not looking for criminals, he’s being mindful.

• On Sunday mornings, Well-Adjusted Batman likes to get up early and perch like a gargoyle on the top of the tallest spire of the Gotham Public Library building and mindfully watch the city go by. He finds it very calming and helps clear his brain.
• Well-Adjusted Batman is actually really good friends with The Joker. Every so often Well-Adjusted Batman will call up The Joker and they’ll just hang out and get at least fifteen minutes of good laughter in. This is good for both of them. Sometimes they’ll watch one of their favorite comedy shows. The Joker likes Louis C.K.
• Regular Batman has a Bat-Signal that Commissioner Gordon uses to call for help. Well-Adjusted Batman uses it for light therapy.

Well-Adjusted Batman’s Affirmation Cards that he keeps in his utility-belt.

• What else does Well-Adjusted Batman keep in his utility belt? Affirmation cards. If he sees people in distress, he can quickly pull an affirmation card out and recite affirmations like “I Am Worthy” or “I Respect And Believe In Myself Despite Others’ Criticism”.
• Similarly, Well-Adjusted Batman is happy in his own skin, whereas Regular Batman feels under pressure to wear a suit that highlights a particular physique.
• Well-Adjusted Batman sees the light he brings to the world, instead of the darkness. Also, he uses his Bat-grappling-hook to give (consensual) hugs.