You Can’t Fake It ’Til You Make It In Marriage
This is one advice I wish could have given to my younger self.
My dear friend, Kamala McWhinney interviewed me last week on her “Queen Mode Unlocked” podcast and asked me “What do you wish you knew before you got married?”
I spoke about the importance of intellectual development once you get married and how much I had underestimated it. In fact, it’s not something I really ever thought of. I was simply living. Or, a different perspective. I was living simple.
You can listen to my interview on Kamala’s and leave a comment below if any of it resonates with you.
After thinking about Kamala’s question, I came up with some other things I wish I knew back then.
Be humble
Don’t be impressed with your own wisdom…
Proverbs 3:7
Before marriage, I used to love arguing with people, especially about religion and the Bible. In actuality, I was a new Christian and really didn’t know that much. But, over the years, my husband’s patience and kindness has taught me that love covers a multitudes of imperfections including pride.
Dare to Dream BIG together
The sooner you start talking about your goals and dreams together, the better. You can have more time building the life of your dreams sooner instead of going around in circles. Don’t wait.
Marriage magnifies your blemishes and imperfections
If you think you can skip past dealing with your imperfections think again.
“You can’t fake it ’til you make it in marriage.” Factors like my poor budgeting skills or not taking care of my body and health with regular exercise and conscious healthy eating eventually surfaced. I ended up getting sick and had to spend significant amounts of time and resources correcting those issues.
Make BIG investments in your personal growth
Try not to think that you’ve arrived at a destination of fulfillment once your’re married. It’s actually the start of your education in “adulting.”
If there’s something you want to learn, spend the time and money to learn it. Invest in a life coach like me if you want to get results in building deeper relationships. Or invest in taking a piano class, or public speaking. Or take a class to learn how to invest in the stock market.
Learn to change diapers
I would’ve earned cool points all around if I had listened and volunteered to work with babies at my church well before I got married. I didn’t really know much about taking care of infants. So, when I had my first child, I was a bit of a mess in that department. I learned the hard way. Now, I am a diaper-changing whiz thousands of diaper-changes later.
“I love you just the way you are” can be misleading
Saying this line to yourself, to your spouse or hearing it said to you sounds beautiful and profound. Like, “aw, someone accepts me and appreciates me for who I am.” At that instant, it may be true.
But if you look deeper, this statement could lead to disillusionment.
What got you to that exact point of someone saying they accept and love you is great. But you will need to put in a lot more work to keep growing to a higher more beautiful and well-rounded version of yourself.
I hold the virtuous woman referenced in the Bible as my higher standard. The one that is well respected, is in great physical shape, can cook well, and has a profitable and thriving business.
She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.Proverbs 31:16-18
Co-dependency is not cute!
I am still learning how to make wise decisions on my own. It may be a life-long endeavor but I am willing to seek it.
Leeching of your spouse’s relationships is not becoming
You have to have your own relationship with God, with relatives, friends, etc. Building your own relationships helps make you feel more whole and balanced. You must put in the work yourself. It goes without fail, you will always reap what you sew.
Burying your head in the sand will suffocate your relationship
Ignoring or pretending a problem doesn’t exists eventually catches up to you: like BAM! A knock out punch right in your face. You must face obstacles, challenges and goal-setting head on.
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