I Discovered My Voice On The Intersection of Terrified And Unfamiliar
The Unfamiliar Voice That Came To Set Me Free
Often at times, it’s hard for me to tell the difference between which voice is really mine, the echo of someone else’s agenda for me or just a passing thought.
This is why having a solid relationship with myself has become so important to me at this stage in my life. How would I recognize my own voice speaking to me, apart from what others were telling me about who they thought I was?
This question forced me to pull back into a period of solitude, to know and understand who I was.
I didn’t know who I was, and that’s why I was a people pleaser for years. I wasn’t living up to my own standards because I was living up to theirs. I didn’t even “have” my “own” standards because I was busy living up to theirs. I was “living” out a story that wasn’t mine because I was more happy with receiving approval, than with just being happy, being who I was. The worst part is — I became familiar and comfortable with this.
The worst tragedy in life for me, would have been to follow that familiar voice that wasn't even mine — just to live out the storyline of how others thought my life should be — so I would be accepted.
For most of my life, this was the case. I was rewarded when I did things that others felt was graspable for me, and I was treated like a black sheep when I did things that they felt weren’t in line with who they thought I was — the things that terrified me, and made me feel the most alive.
This created a lot of internal conflict for me because I was addicted to the feeling of being embraced for following the storyline of who they thought I was…and I knew I was solely doing it for the praise.
I joined the Navy because I knew my family would be proud of me. I wanted to tell a story about my life that they would accept — by choosing an occupation that they would approve of — instead of following my own passions or choosing an occupation that would allow me to express myself in a way that I would truly be happy with.
It felt like it was my voice that I was following because of all the applause I got when I did things that others approved of, but then I would catch glimpses of others living a life that I felt mirrored me, more than my own life mirrored me.
I didn’t want what they had. I wanted that part of myself that I saw in their lives, as they fearlessly expressed who they were to the world.
I knew that unless I figured out whose voice it was that I was listening to, I would never be happy. I would have accomplished a lot, but it would have been a lot that I never truly wanted in the first place. I realized that I didn’t know who I was, because I was living my life to fit the expectations of others in order to be accepted.
I was who they wanted me to be.
It was their voice that I confused for being mine. I learned to tell the difference between whose voice I was listening to — theirs or mine— by the people who applauded me, and the people I was actually helping.
When I got a congratulations for what I did, it was because I was listening to their voice.
When what I did helped someone, it was because I was listening to my voice.
In the sea of all the conversations going on in my head, I learned that MY voice was distinguishable by listening to what was being suggested.
If following through on the suggestion made me look good to others, it was their voice
If it simultaneously terrified me, and helped others — it was my voice.
I can’t speak for anyone else — but I can speak for me.
I use to think that I was the “crazy guy” for even having these voices in my head. I didn’t realize that the other voices I was hearing weren’t mine until I seriously took a step back to reflect on the origins from where they came from — I realized that they were real, and that they belonged to someone else.
Those voices didn’t come from some “netherworld” like some would have you think. They were echoes from past conversations that were stuck inside of my head — woven into my thought subconscious thought processes — dictating the actions that I took.
Those voices couldn’t have been mine, because they were a reflection of imposed limitations that others tried to place on me
I’m not crazy, I promise.
The voices in my head talking all at once weren’t even the problem. Recognizing the voice that was mine, and listening to it — was.
The internal conflict of deciding which voice was mine came from thinking that I was who everyone told me was. As a result, I was unfamiliar with who I really was, apart from what others said about me.
For me — I knew that my main problem was that I wasn’t comfortable with following my own passions, because I was so used to following the suggestions of what they thought I should be doing.
When I made the decision to get out of the Navy, I submitted my “one year notice” when it was time — I was terrified. The voice “that told me to do it” was a voice that I never heard before.
That voice was mine.
I never heard my own voice before, and finally I knew I was listening to it because I felt this overwhelming fear, and freedom. My fear indicated that now, it was my voice I was listening to, because subjectively, I knew the choice I was making would give me the power to come alive and express myself fully. I was finally doing that “thing” they call “going for it”.
My decision would upset my family and cause the ones nearest to me to believe I had gone mad — that’s what I feared most — but what my choice also did was turn the heads of those who were fighting for the courage to do what I was doing.
I wasn’t getting out of the Navy. No — that’s not what I was doing when I gave back my quota so that someone else could stay in the Navy. I was setting myself free and I was running toward what terrified me — I was listening to my own voice.
I made the choice to join the Navy 11 years ago because I knew it would please my family but ironically, joining the Navy terrified me, yet it lead me to an unfamiliar voice — mine.
I got so used to listening to others and taking cues from their suggestions, that their voices became familiar to me, as if it was really my own voice speaking. I thought I really wanted to do certain things, or that I was doing the right things — for me, because I wasn’t used to listening to my own voice. Even if the voice was of someone I didn’t know on a personal level, “listening” to suggestions or being “told” what I should do, WAS a familiar voice.
I was so use to things happening as others said it would when I followed their advice, that I was terrified to listen to my own voice — I had never attempted to listen to my own voice before.
I knew there would be no familiar voices where I was going, the moment I ventured out past the boundary line of “what others thought I should be doing”.
Once I crossed that “boundary line”, the only voice that could help me was my own. I finally understood that I would have wasted my potential — only to be bottled and sealed up forever — if I stayed within the confines of the projections that others had of me. My voice would be the only voice I would listen to, if I was going to tap into the well of my own potential.
My own voice was terrifying because I was stepping out into uncharted territory, mainly because I had never done it before — until now. Through the process of discovering my own voice, I learned that if I followed the fear, it would lead me straight to who I truly was.
